Who Said That?

"I'm not going to vacuum 'til Sears makes one you can ride on" - Roseanne Barr

"Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint." - Mark Twain

"Thanks, you don't look so hot yourself." after being told he looked cool - Yogi Berra

"Is this chicken or is this fish? I know it's tuna but it says chicken of the sea." - Jessica Simpson

"I refuse to think of them as chin hairs. I think of them as stray eyebrows." - Janette Barber

"One should not worry about the future, particularly if it hasn't happened yet." - Mel Gibson

"Modesty is the only good quality I don't have." - Jordan W. Shipley

"Even if I knew that tomorrow the world go to pieces, I would still plant my apple tree" - Martin Luther

"I want a man who's kind and understanding. Is that too much to ask of a millionaire?" - Zsa Zsa Gabor

"Better to write for yourself and have no public, than to write for the public and have no self". - Cyril Connolly

"I never came upon any of my discoveries through the process of rational thinking." - Albert Einstein

"The intelligent man finds almost everything ridiculous, the sensible man hardly anything." - Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

"A psychiatrist asks a lot of expensive questions your wife asks for nothing." - Joey Adams

"When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country". - Elayne Boosler

"Patience is the companion of wisdom" - St. Augustine

"By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere." - Billy Crystal

"Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same." - Oscar Wilde

*"There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL." - Lynn Lavner

"Some will never learn anything because they understand everything too soon." - Thomas Blount

"A bargain is something you can't use at a price you can't resist." - Franklin Jones

"There are two types of people in this world, good and bad. The good sleep better, but the bad seem to enjoy the waking hours much more." - Woody Allen

"God created the poet, then took a handful of the rubbish that was left and made three critics." - T.J. Thomas

"The significant problems we face cannot be solved at the same level of thinking we were at when we created them." - Albert Einstein

"I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception." - Groucho Marx

"If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead." - Johnny Carson

"The true republic: men, their rights and nothing more; women, their rights and nothing less." - Susan B. Anthony (1820-1906)

"When the sun comes up, I have morals again" - Elayne Boosler

"The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly and lie about your age" - Lucille Ball

"Speak when you're angry, and you'll make the best speech you'll ever regret" - Lawrence J. Peter

"It isn't premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married"- George Burns

"Always forgive your enemies, but never forget their names." - R. Kennedy

"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch" - Jack Nicholson

"Message? What the hell do you think I am, a bloody postman?" - Brendan Behan, when asked what was the message in one of his plays

"Choose a job you like and you will never have to work a day of your life - Confucius

"I'm a great housekeeper. I get divorced. I keep the house." -Zsa Zsa Gabor

"We have 40 million reasons for failure but not a single excuse" - Rudyard Kipling

"The first man to compare the cheeks of a young woman to a rose was obviously a poet; the first to repeat it was possibly an idiot" - Salvador Dali

"Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on a Saturday night." - Woody Allen

" Life isn't about finding yourself. Life is about creating yourself" - George Bernard Shaw

" I don't excercise. If God had wanted me to bend over, he would have put diamonds on the floor" - Joan Rivers

"Cyling has done more to emancipate women than anything else in the world" - Susan Anthony

"At fifty everyone has the face they deserve" - George Orwell

"All dogs look up to you. All cats look down on you. Only the pig looks at you as an equal" . . . Sir Winston Churchill

"Income tax has made more liars out of the American people than golf - Will Rogers

"Between thought and expression lies a lifetime." - Lou Reed

"A man who views the world the same at fifty as he did at twenty has wasted thirty years of his life" - Muhammad Ali

"Life is a tragedy when seen in close-up but a comedy in long shot ". - Charlie Chaplin

"When women go wrong, men go straight after them - Mae West

"Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and give her a house. - Lewis Grizzard

"When I'm good I'm very, very good, but when I'm bad I'm better." - Mae West

"God gave men a brain and a penis, but only enough blood to run one at a time. - Robin Williams

" Never chase a lie. Let it alone, and it will run itself to death. - Lyman Beecher

"Having one child makes you a parent; having two you are a referee " - David Frost

"He that is good for making excuses is seldom good for anything else." - Benjamin Franklin

"You can fool some of the people some of the time and all of the people some of the time, but you can't fool all of the people all of the time. - Abraham Lincoln

" The only difference between doctors and lawyers is that lawyers merely rob you, whereas doctors rob you and kill you, too. - Anton Chekhov

" When a man steals your wife there is no better revenge than to let him keep her." - Sacha Guitry

" The grim fact is that we prepare for war like precocious giants, and for peace like retarded pygmies". ~ Lester Bowles Pearson

"If a man would follow, today, the teachings of the Old Testament, he would be a criminal. If he would follow the teachings of the new, he would be insane." - Robert Green Ingersoll

*"My advice to you concerning applause is this: enjoy it but never quite believe it". - Robert Montgomery

"It is a statistical fact that the wicked work harder to reach hell than the righteous do to enter heaven". - Josh Billings

"A graceful taunt is worth a thousand insults." - Louis Nizer

" I never think of the future. It comes soon enough." - Albert Einstein

"Religion is for people who fear hell, spirituality is for people who have been there." - David Bowie

A man likes his wife to be just clever enough to appreciate his cleverness, and just stupid enough to admire it." - Israel Zangwill

" Good executives never put off until tomorrow what they can get someone else to do today" - Dr. John C Maxwell

"Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat" - Alex Levine

"My grandfather once told me that there were two kinds of people: those who do the work and those who take the credit. He told me to try to be in the first group; there was much less competition." - Mohandas Gandhi

"A lawyer with a briefcase can steal more than a thousand men with guns." - Mario Puzo

"At a dinner party one should eat wisely but not too well, and talk well but not too wisely" - W Somerset Maughan

"Seeking to know is too often learning to doubt" - Antoinette Deshoulieres

"An Eye for an Eye, and the world would soon be blind". - M. K. Ghandi

"Death is not the end. There remains the litigation over the estate." - Ambrose Bierce.

You can discover more about a person in an hour of play than in a year of conversation. - Plato

The first rule of business is: Do other men for they would do you - Charles Dickens

Arguing with a fool proves there are two. - Doris M. Smith

People never lie so much as after a hunt, during a war or before an election. - Otto von Bismarck

I feel sorry for people who don't drink. They wake up in the morning and that's the best they are going to feel all day - Frank Sinatra

You just pick up a chord, go twang, and you've got music. - Sid Vicious [Sex Pistols]

My formula for success is rise early, work late, and strike oil - Paul Getty

My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying. - Ed Furgol

"Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; I'm not sure about the universe." - Albert Einstein